Ask for what you want

I started writing in a journal yesterday. Not just writing for the sake of writing (that is kind of what this blogging stuff is all about, isn't it?). This journal writing is different. A little background...

I was inspired by a visit to my hometown of Brainerd, a couple of months ago, and stopping by a favorite downtown shop (there are too few anymore). This place, charmingly called Cat Tales, is a locally owned bookstore, with some really wonderful little treasures inside (not ALL cat-oriented, but mostly), aside from new and used books. I don't know the owners very well, but I've always had wonderful conversations with Jerry, who is - to say the least - just downright cool. He's, I'm guessing, fifty-something, very earthy and spiritual, and - to be honest - pretty sexy for his age. It's always been quite easy and comfortable to chat with Jerry about everything, from business to local food to spirituality.

Upon this visit, however, I was surprised to see Jerry's wife working. Only because she's rarely there, as she's always seemed to be quite a busy person (she is, after all, a novelist, as well as a mom and a shop owner). This day, I hardly recognized her, for she had lost a lot of weight, and died her hair from its natural gray-streaked black to blond(!). Quite surprised (pleasantly) by the change, I complimented her after saying hello, and we almost immediately warmed to each other, and began to engage in some really wonderful conversation.

Wendy seemingly found me easy to talk to and confide in, for she began to tell me a story about a woman she had met, and through telling this story, began to choke up several times. We had been talking about my upcoming wedding, and how much in love with my then-fiance I am, and how good we are for each other. I could tell that Wendy had had some hardship in her life over the years (being a bit of an intuitive myself, I could have told you this years ago, without having ever had a conversation with the woman). She told me that this woman came to see her, and told her that she had no reason to visit her, except that something in the back of her mind had told her to do so. Something had been telling her to visit this place called Cat Tales, and to speak with the owner. And, when she did, Wendy was so moved that she opened up to the stranger. This woman then told her that (in my words, not hers) she has to get out of her own way, and get her life back in order. She suggested to Wendy, that she find a beautiful journal - the most beautiful journal you've ever seen - and start writing in it. But what she would write is just as important as the aesthetic appeal of the journal itself. She was to open up that book, everyday, in a peaceful place (both physically and mentally) and write the same sentence over and over. "Ask for what you want", is essentially what she'd be writing. She was to write this sentence until it came to fruition, however long it took. A daily reminder, if you will, of what you're looking for.

I took this story, and the advice she gave to Wendy, and tucked it away in my "things to do". The idea of it was so appealing to me, because I believe in the power of writing. I believe that, by writing something, over and over and over, you mold it in your subconscious and it soon becomes that tape recorder playing over and over without your conscious doing. You know, the tape recorder we all have...it either tells us we're not good enough, or we'll never amount to anything, or maybe even that we are better than everyone else (that ego sure gets in the way a lot, doesn't it?). We don't always know where these things come from, but they were put there at a very important time in our life, and they just keep playing, over and over...and we believe them. So, why not change what the recorder is shooting out at you everyday, and make it something positive?

At one time I had a small "talisman" of sorts (at least, that's how I viewed it), which I - oddly enough - picked up at Cat Tales years ago. It was a solid chunk of metal, formed into a goddess shape. On the back was engraved "Ask for what you want"(!). I carried this talisman with me a lot, and started establishing a ritual, several months back. Mind you, I'm not a religious person. I wouldn't even be able to say to you that I believe in "god". I'm not a non-believer. I just don't know, and I'm okay with that. I do, however, believe that being spiritually balanced and centered is one of the keys to a healthy life, everyone just has to find their own path in order for it to be 'real'. One thing I miss from "religion" is ritual. The daily or weekly reading from a book, and learning from its spiritual guiding, gathering together in congregation to lift one anothers' spirits, etc. So, this ritual I started for myself was to walk to my favorite morning coffee shop, sit down with my talisman in hand and read from my "bible", Women Who Run With The Wolves, by Clarissa Pinkola Estes.

I had recently lossed said talisman, and shortly thereafter got "too busy" for my ritual. I soon began placing work and wedding planning at the top of the priority list, and lost sight of my daily spiritual lift. Well, with the wedding over, work being slow-to-nonexistent, and Winter setting in...I've decided it's time to re-establish something that speaks to my spirit and helps get to a place where happiness and contentedness overflows and can therefor feed me in times of need.

So, this is what I've decided to do. I've decided to ask for what I want, from myself first. To write in my journal everyday, over and over and over, until I realize that what I'm asking for is in fact mine to take. Mine to realize. It may take a while, but I'll be more than willing to share, through this blog, whether or not it worked. Who knows, perhaps you'll be witness to it actually "working", right here!