Solstice Thoughts

I've gotten out of habit, spiritually, and I can't stand it. I'm not a 'spiritual' person, as the word may imply by societal standards, in the sense that I attend church and set aside devotion time everyday, and I can't even tell you that I believe in "god". If I do, it's not your god..it's mine. "It" is not a figure, male or female. "It" doesn't watch over me and keep me safe. I don't pray to "It" for forgiveness and guidance. I may confide in this 'deity' at times and look to it for answers, and I may feel that there is an underlying current in the way life works. But, these things cannot be defined by a single book or dogma; in fact, they cannot even be defined or limited to words or man-made definitions.

If it had a gender, for the sake of personification, then it would be a woman. A mother. She is that which gives life, and from whom nurturing flows in abundance without expectation..much like our own real-life mothers. But, short of sounding like I'm touting some religion I don't affiliate with, and/or know enough about to do so, I prefer not to place my spirituality into such realms. I may frequently refer the The Great Mother, but only because it conveys my vast and deep respect for the earth and everything contained within it, including the cycles and lessons to be witnessed and learned, in three simple words.

I have, in the past, celebrated with fervor, the coming and going of the seasons; the moon's waxing and waning; the sun's rising and setting. I would host parties for celebration and congregation of sorts, or escape to the river for "church" time, or simply go for a walk and "talk" to the moon. Sounds a bit hoakie, but whatever. A lot of Christian habits and rituals sound silly to me too.

It seems to me that my deviance, however, began when I moved from my small hometown of Brainerd, where the moon and stars were plainly visible, to the "bustling" city of Minneapolis, where buildings and cars are obstructions and distractions from such simple beauty. Don't hear me saying that "I've changed" due to the move, and that I'm not myself anymore and therefor chose the wrong place to live, because that's not what I'm trying to convey here. I've just gotten off track. It's easy to do, I suppose, here, but that doesn't mean it's impossible to get back to what was real and true to me. I may just have to try a little harder. In order that I may see the moon and stars at night, it may involve a trek out of the city, to see them...it could become ritual. After all, ritual is one of the strongest aspects of organized religion that, in my opinion, we "non-conformists" miss out on. I live not too far from a river, so I just have to make it a habit to find my own place near it, to visit often, until the day comes that I can live close enough to it that it influences my daily life.



Winter seems to be the time to reflect, and I'm certainly doing that today, on Winter's Birthday. Or, should I say, the Sun's Birthday (welcome back light!)? It was only, perhaps, 5 years ago that I started realizing the significance of Winter, and all of the power held within its silence and calm. Before that, Winter was agonizing and frigid, and I was one of many Minnesotans who complained about the weather as soon as the first snow flew. One Winter, I guess, it just dawned on me that I wasn't taking it for what it was. I wasn't living in the moment, with the season. Each season has its "reasons" and I believe what belongs to this one is calm reflection. I truly believe that this is why we have New Years resolutions - just as much as it's about a new calendar year, it's also the perfect time - if you've taken advantage of this time - to seek out your own answers to your life, to see the past year in the light anew, and to look forward with new ideas, goals and a fresh beginning.

A haircut on the horizon

So, I'm going to get my haircut, finally (I've been saying it for a few weeks now). I have a general idea of what I want, and the pictures below best convey what I'm seeing in my mind. I think I'm hesitating to get it cut - even thought it irritates the crap out of me most days, and ends up tied back - because it's quite long right now.

Longer, in fact, than it's been in thirteen years. Yep, thirteen years! It was the end of 1995, beginning of 1996 that I was in my first year of college, and my hair went from very close to what it is now (even a similar style, gasp!) to shoulder-length. By the time I started my second year of college, my hair was completely chopped off (you know what I mean). It was liberating, to say the least, to be done with the hair! To not have to worry about dealing with the long, thick stuff was, at long last, a relief I didn't even know I needed. A weight had been lifted! I never really had a knack (or, know-how) for doing my hair, for taking advantage of its length and thickness, to do some really fun and interesting things with the help of product and accoutrements. Nor did I have a desire to learn.

This time around (after having had short hair for so long, I finally made the growing out thing happen), I am having more fun with my hair. It's gotten to be quite wavy as I've gotten older, and it really doesn't take much effort to make it pretty. Especially on good days, which are few and far between, I am quite proud of how my hair looks when I leave the house. But, because it's heavy and thick, it's only really pretty for an hour or two. Then it falls flat and looks dull and uninspired. Everyone who "knows" my hair, say it's beautiful. One of my dearest friends even calls it "goddess hair". It's really not that nice! Pretty, sometimes, yes. But not spectacular.

When I had short hair, I was proud of it. I was proud to not be hiding behind my hair, and that I didn't need a full head of hair to be considered "pretty". With the short hair, I got more compliments on my eyes and my smile than I have in the 2 1/2 years I've been growing my hair out. I attribute that, of course, somewhat to the fact that I haven't really grown into my hair yet, and I just haven't found a style that accentuates my eyes, etc.

So, I'm setting out to find a haircut that keeps some of the length I've worked so hard to attain (by "working so hard", I mean not getting frustrated and chopping it off every other day for at least the first year and a half of growing it out), but gives me a style that is "me". I really feel, in my heart of hearts, that having short hair is the only time I've ever really felt like "me". But I'm willing to give this a try a little bit longer..the longer hair thing.

So, this is what I'm thinking:










Not really sure what's going on here in specific hair cutting terms, but I like the shape. It seems to take advantage of the thicker, fuller hair type, and I like the idea of the long in the front, at least at the sides. I'm not really wanting long, long bangs. They'll just irritate me. Which is why I like the next two...














This is really adorable. Just not sure I could pull it off. I love the asymmetry and the random, organic layers. It has a fun shape, and this girl obviously has natural wave like I do, so I'm sure my hair would take on similar movement.



This is probably my favorite, in the sense that it has all of the things I like: the wave, the asymmetry again, and it keeps some length (it could probably be adjusted to have even more length, especially on the longer side).


I remember when I had short hair, the only reason I ever wanted to grow it out was so that I could try some fun hairstyles like these. Hairstyles that were a little longer. But I could never muster up the patience to grow it out long enough to do one of these types of styles. And, now that it's long, I'm afraid to cut too much.

Ah! It's so silly. It's just hair!

I'll be sure and post pictures of the new hair when it's done. I'm excited to see what we come up with!